Tiger Woods won’t be playing in the British Open after all. I can’t help but become a bit less enthused about the event having learned that fact some days ago. Golf, for better or worse, is more compelling with Woods in the field, and his presence will be missed. I wonder how he likes those new Nike golf balls? Or if he’s still using the Method Putter? Those questions will have to be answered at a later date. Having said all of that, now seems like a decent enough time to look back on the career and transformation of Mr. Tiger Woods. If he’s not going to be playing golf, we’ll place him in our minds in a different context. It will be a fun exercise! Thankfully, the good folks over at Golf Digest have already done all the hard work of compiling and ordering a selecti0n of Eldrick photographs for our consideration. Their captions, however, leave something to be desired (at least in the opinion of this blog post topic starved writer). Find the slideshow by clicking here. Below, you will find the corresponding Golf Digest captions in bold, and my new, no doubt hilarious and insightful reimaginings of them in italics. As always, lots of LOLs or your money back.
Woods rocks a straw hat at the 1994 U.S. Amateur:
Normally looking to distance himself from the ubiquitous role that defined his career as an actor, a victorious Jaleel White, while hoisting the first place trophy, can’t help but exclaim, “Diiiddd I doooo thaaaattt?” to the endless enjoyment of all in attendance.
Woods strikes a pensive pose at the 1996 Tour Championship:
Woods, seen here quoting Aristotle’s Metaphysics on the putting green, he could be heard saying, “It is clear, then, that wisdom is knowledge having to do with certain principles and causes. But now, since it is this knowledge that we are seeking, we must consider the following point: of what kind of principles and of what kind of causes is wisdom the knowledge?” His playing partners, when asked after the round what exactly Woods was referring to, replied, “We don’t know.”
Woods in a celebratory moment at the 2000 PGA Championship at Valhalla:
Overcome with extreme cockiness, Tiger Woods takes to the course in pants six sizes too large in an attempt to even the playing field.
Woods expresses true shock when a putt doesn’t drop at the 2001 Bay Hill Invitational:
Tiger Woods lets out a thundering sneeze, one with velocity and force enough to send him to his knees and dislodge the putter from his grasp.
Woods sports short, bleached hair while on the sideline as a fan during the 2000 Orange Bowl:
Tiger Woods, en route to that one MTV Music Video Awards where the rapper Eminem took the stage with hundreds of young look-alikes and no, the author of this caption does not know if the years actually match, just go with it.
Woods has a laugh during the 2002 Dunlop Phoenix Pro-Am in Japan:
A rare, unadulterated view of Tiger Woods forgoing his normal polite fake chuckle and genuinely laughing.
Woods with an early-season goatee at the 2005 Nissan Open:
Tiger Woods, seen here foreshadowing his inevitable transformation into Evil Eldrick.
An emotional Woods is embraced by caddie Steve Williams after winning the 2006 British Open at Hoylake — his first victory since the death of his father, Earl:
Time out: Even I can’t crack a joke at the expense of this moment. My heart is not made of stone! Also, I can neither confirm nor deny that the author dusted up his living room whilst viewing this moment live.
Woods winces in pain after hitting a shot at the 2008 U.S. Open at Torrey Pines:
Prompted by the exclamation of “CHEESE!” from the gallery, Tiger Woods flashes his magazine cover smile.
Woods gives a signature staredown at the 2009 Australian Masters, the last tournament he won:
In the throes of extreme competitive dominance, Tiger Woods literally stares a complete hole through a rival golfer.
Woods looks weary and remorseful during his first public appearance at PGA Tour headquarters in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., following his sex scandal:
The Beta version of Robot Tiger Woods, seen here functioning at full capacity while delivering an apology at the request of his creator and overlord. Remote control not pictured.
Citing allergies, Woods wears sunglasses in his return to golf at the 2010 Masters:
Tiger Woods, showing his complete inability to ever look normal when wearing any type of eyewear.
Woods shows his frustration after missing a short eagle putt at the 2011 Masters:
After missing a crucial putt at the 2011 Masters, Tiger Woods pleads desperately with the small man on top of his putter grip to give him better assistance.
Having not hit a golf ball in more than a month, a fully-bearded Woods arrives at the 2011 AT&T National to fulfill his duties as tournament host:
The caption writer does not know who this man is.